….**ssi*n I suddenly see in his eyes. Like a storm approaching… at one moment still far off on the horizon, quiet and subdued and harmless…and before one says heck the storm is right above oneself, with those first heavy and fat raindrops, carried on the wind, warning us to better run and search for shelter. Lightning and thunder and blackness, heavy, thick blackness, mixed with a grey veil of rain soon show us once again, how little and weak and powerless we are in the face of natural forces.
Natural forces subdued and denied for so many years, too many years, gushing out in an uncontrolled manner. I feel myself tumbling down but as soon as I realize I indeed am tumbling down, I feel a firm grip of his arms around me. Taking care of me, making sure I am safe and well is ingrained into the subconscious part of him just like breathing. I feel my feet lifted from the ground and he carries me away, somewhere. I feel solid ground underneath again. It is dark like it always is during a storm. Very dark but unlike during the storm the darkness is pleasant and soft. With a corner of my eye I see something, something not quite as dark, arching above us. A wall behind me, feels rough even through my jacket. The air between us is no longer there. Not even the slightest sheath of it. One. One soul, one breathing, one heartbeat. I feel warmth, heat radiating from every pore of his body. Fireworks, it feels like fireworks all around me. The air not between us but that air on my skin…it is electrifying, as if lightning has struck to some place near and shattered the picture in my mind into a thousand tiny pieces. Covered in dust, tiny, sharp pieces that were once a part of a mosaic I was so naively trying to build on my own. The mosaic we call a relationship cannot be build by just one heart, by just one pair of hands and by one soul. It takes two, it takes devotion, cooperation. I was trying, I really was. Doing my best, having been hopeful but even I gave up. Maybe without even knowing it, maybe I did not want to admit myself that I actually gave up on something. That is very unlike me. But I did. Right now I do not care about the shattered little tiles lying around, maybe later, when my head cools down I will again burden myself with yet another bag full of reproaches, regrets and guilt. But honestly, I doubt it. Right now I think I will throw off of my shoulders, of my heart and soul even some hundred of them already being there. Dragging me down on my every step.
Then we run. We run not to miss the movie. My head so pleasantly empty, my face burning in the evening chill. I see tears meandering down his unshaven cheeks. It is happiness at its purest, happiness at its most unrestricted that I am just witnessing. Currents of electricity inside of me. But I feel peaceful. I feel peaceful like nature does after the storm has passed. And I feel refreshed just like a desert after the rains. I feel blooming, coming to life, being reborn. Oh, yes, it does, reincarnation does indeed exist. It is a real thing. I knew Tibetan masters of old could not have be deluded.
Little buds of hope and quiet wishes, courageously opening up into brilliant blossoms. Thorns and dried branches falling away. I am leaving them behind. I am moving on and they will stay here and build a compost heap in the narrow, cobbled streets of Graben. I do not look back. I wished them farewell before this evening.